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  • Writer's pictureNicole Ogg

Finding love after losing love.

The saying goes, “When you know, you know”. Now, I can’t speak for anyone else, but I knew when I knew. It was really that love at first sight shit that people talk about and I didn't believe in it until him.

Literally y’all, I knew after messaging with him on Instagram for a half hour. He slid into my DM’s one night after a failed attempt a few months before and was not taking no for an answer. It was cute and we laughed about how I blew him off because I thought he was still married. It's a funny story actually, we went to rival high schools and knew of each other but had never met each other so we decided to have a “meet and greet”. And wow, talk about fireworks. After that day we spent countless hours texting, sending memes back and forth on all social media platforms, talking on the phone, and FaceTiming. He was moving back to Colorado and it was going to be hard but we were both up for the challenge. We knew this was something special. We couldn’t wait for my trip out to see him and so he could take me on a “real date”, it was going to be amazing. And it was. And so was the next trip. And the trip after that.

I remember him taking me out for our first official date, we went to an amazing steakhouse. As we were enjoying our dinner and cocktails, we got caught up staring into each others eyes. It was like a trance that neither one of us wanted to break. “Take my hand, take my whole life too, oh, for I can’t help fallin’ in love with you.” That verse, right there, broke the trance. He looked at me, pointed up at the ceiling and said “I think this is our song because this is exactly how I feel.” And I couldn’t have agreed with him more.

It’s hard to even put into words how I felt. This love was unlike any love I had experienced in my life and made me question if I had ever truly been in love before. We connected on so many levels. We had the same experiences, wants, needs, dreams, wishes. I have truly never connected with anyone like that before. It was the kind of love that you question over and over if it's real, but it was so real. It was “that can’t eat, can’t sleep, reach for stars over the fence, world series kind of love” (I hope most of you understand this reference). And I definitely felt crazy for feeling what I did in such a short amount of time, but it felt so right.

I had been in love before. I had my high school love, my college love that turned into my husband, that turned into my ex-husband. And then he was my first love after losing the love I thought I’d have for the rest of my life. My first relationship after my separation. There were guys in between my ex-husband and him, but I never got serious with them. There was always something missing; a connection, a spark, emotional and mental compatibility. Some made me happy but it wasn’t love. None of them made me feel alive. And my god, I was alive.

He had the same scars as me, and more. And I loved that about him. He was damaged, but self-made, like me. Independent. He experienced the pain and loss of separation/divorce. We related on that topic and knew what we wanted in our next love adventure. We wanted each other and the dreams that we had that were so identical it was weird. He was perfectly imperfect for me.

But I don’t want to get your hopes up. This was my favorite love story, even if it only lasted a few months. I had never felt so loved, appreciated, wanted, respected, beautiful, and most importantly, safe. He was a man’s man and treated me like the lady that I am. But the truth is we were both hurting and healing from many life changes that included divorces and parents with cancer, and instead of using each other as bandaids, we had to heal ourselves. Timing and a long distance relationship was not in our cards, and fuck, did that absolutely suck. I will admit, a part of my heart is in Colorado. I’m not sure if it’s still with him or the feeling of being so alive that I felt when I was there, in his arms, exploring the West with the person who was made for me.

Unfortunately, this wasn’t my happily ever after fairy tale. I’m not sure that even exists for me. I thought I knew that he was the one, and maybe he still is, just at a different time. But fortunately, what I do know is that even though he and I didn’t work out I can feel alive again, I can feel love again, and I can love again, and what amazing feelings those are.

I believe that everything happens when it’s supposed to and I think this was a lesson to show me that I am worthy and deserving of all the things I yearn for in my love story. As I've gotten older and experienced more life, I'm learning more about myself and my needs in a relationship. Finding love after losing love can be hard. Really fucking hard. And it might even break your heart, again. But it will open your eyes to a whole new world of what you know you deserve.

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