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  • Writer's pictureNicole Ogg

It’s not a failure, it’s just unsuccessful.

Instead of asking yourself “why is this happening to me?”, we have to change our way of thinking to ask ourselves “what is this trying to teach me?” It’s hard, it’s really fucking hard. But it’s important to rewire our brains to ask the alternative question.

One of my biggest issues that I worked through in therapy after my separation was getting over the feeling of failure. I kept questioning why this happened to me? How could I be 27 and on the verge of divorce? How did I let it get this bad? How did he let it get this bad? And while sometimes I still question all of these things, I also realize how much the two of us have grown since the separation. The truth is, it wasn’t a failure, it was just unsuccessful. Not everyone succeeds on their first try and this is a perfect example of that.

"We should stop seeing relationships that end as failures. Sometimes ending a relationship is the only way for us to preserve the love we have for our partner. Sometimes ending a relationship is the only way to stop us from hurting each other. And, sometimes, ending a relationship is the only way to honour all the relationship meant but no longer does.” - Sara Kuburic (posted on @millennial.therapist Instagram page)

I knew marriage would be hard, but it was in the moment that I realized I didn’t want it anymore that I said to myself this is real life shit.” I can’t even begin to explain the emotions, thoughts, doubts, and second guessing that I went through before deciding to end it. It was hard, scary, heartbreaking, gut wrenching, but it was also one of the best decisions that I’ve ever made. We had grown up, a lot. And we weren’t the same 20 year olds that we were when we started dating in college. Unfortunately, I believe our growing up caused our compatibility issues. We didn’t want the same things as we once did and that was okay. I’ve learned so much about myself, what I need and want in a relationship, and what I expect from a partner now because of this unsuccessful marriage. Some may look at it as a failure but I’ve chosen to look at it with a different lens. We have created a friendship and have both worked tremendously hard on ourselves to become better humans, which I think we’ll call a success!

Now I’m on to my next adventure...this blog! I’d be lying if I said it didn’t terrify me to think that this might be unsuccessful but I’ve also never felt so called to do something in my life. I’m allowing my passion to outweigh my fear and for that, I am so thankful. Because honestly, who cares if it doesn’t work out? It could be unsuccessful or it could be the best success of my life. But I’ll never know if I never try!

“Even if you go for it and it doesn’t work out, you still win. You still had the guts enough to head straight into something that frightened you. That type of bravery will take you places.” - The Better Man Project (posted on @thebettermanproject Instagram page)

So, here I am, in my 29th year...trying like hell at all the things that could be unsuccessful. An independent, badass boss bitch, creating the life that I want, reading all the goodness others have written, and taking my shot by writing THIS blog to help empower other women. Women like YOU. And oh yeah, I’m divorced. But who really gives a shit? Not me.

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