The other day, I posted a picture on my personal Instagram and it read, “the cost of procrastination is the life you could’ve lived”, and I typed on the screen “READ IT AGAIN” in capital letters because I needed to read it again, and again, and again. So, here I am ending one thing I’ve been procrastinating and finally writing an article.
Part of the reason I’ve been procrastinating is because I just have no motivation to write, another part of me was procrastinating out of fear because it’s been 9 months of not writing and I feel like I’m starting this whole journey again and I don’t know if what I’m writing is going to be good or not, and the other reason I’m procrastinating is because it’s been a fucking hard year. Which also leads me back to my lack of motivation. So without further ado here is another article.
Well, it’s been a while y’all. Life has HAPPENED. A lot of bad with a lot of good. More to come on all of that later.
First of all, I want to thank everyone who has reached out to me over the last 9 months to ask me why in the heck I wasn’t writing anymore?! Which, I don’t really have an answer for other than, what I said earlier, LIFE HAS HAPPENED and I just simply did not have the motivation or will to sit down and write. Writing was my therapy. It is my therapy. I’ve recently come to realize that I was only writing when my mental health was good, but what I really should be doing is writing when my mental health is not so good. So here I am, doing it. Ending my streak of procrastination with this article. It is super exciting to know that a lot of you have missed reading my blog. I have enjoyed having conversations with those of you who have reached out, from the launch until now, to share your experiences, ask for advice, ask me where the heck I’ve been or to just tell me thank you for writing about some of this stuff. So, thank you all for reading and supporting me!
When one door closes, another door opens…so they say. And wow, if that quote hasn’t made its presence known in my life over the last few months. I will admit that this quote has never really resonated with me because I feel like I have always been in control of my life and the things that are happening. I have made calculated decisions that have taken my life down different paths, whether it’s where I wanted to end up or not, I made the decisions and lived with the rewards or consequences, so I felt in control. Well 2023 said “Here you go bitch. Let’s see what you can do with this fastball straight to the gut”, figuratively, obviously. And holy shit, I was not ready for it. But life has a way of humbling you exactly when you need it, right?
2022 had a rough ending. After losing my Grandma Ogg, suddenly, in October and having to grieve the loss of her and all of the first holidays without her, I felt like I was finally starting to come out of the hole that I had been hanging out in for a couple of months. And then BAMB. 2023, y’all.
I have been in healthcare leadership for 8 years now working in the hospital setting, outpatient mental health and primary care. For the last 4 years I have dedicated myself to the mental health industry. Since 2020, the need for mental health care has increased drastically, and I was excited for this growth and to see the kinds of advances we could make in the mental health world. But on January 17th, 2023, I heard the words that I honestly never thought I would, “We have decided to close our doors in Ohio and your last day will be March 31st.” To say I was shocked is an understatement. And to say I was hurt, mad and terrified would be right on point. I have never been laid off before. Unfortunately, I’ve had to be the one to make the calls to lay off my staff during COVID, but never did I ever think that I would receive that call myself. And it really made me realize that even in the stable healthcare field, I wasn’t safe.
So, the job search began, after the processing, grieving and a few tears of course. I thought it would be easy to find a job with my experience, education and proven track record, but I was wrong. I definitely started to question myself, my experience, my education, my skills, the confidence I had in myself as a leader and if I even wanted to be in behavioral healthcare anymore. I applied to countless jobs, got some calls, had a couple interviews and well, dead ends. But along came an employer with an offer, but there was a catch…I had to move to Columbus. I had to leave Cleveland. The Land that I love. The place where I experienced so much growth over the last 4 years. The friendships that I had made in my personal, professional and volleyball life. The city where I could have lived for the rest of my life and been completely happy. I could really go on and on about what Cleveland means to me but I’ll stop there. So, one door closes.
I packed up my life and closed 2 offices in Cleveland. I said “see ya later” to so many amazing friends, coworkers and teammates and I moved to Columbus for that job. The job that I only accepted because it was the only offer I had. The job that I went into with a lot of animosity because it was the company that made a handshake deal with my previous company to take those who needed jobs, it was taking me away from my comfort zone in Cleveland, and it took away the control I had over my future because I had no choice but to take it if I wanted to keep providing for myself. But I jumped in and ran towards the opportunity at a new life, and job, in Columbus. Which would also bring me 2 hours closer to my family and friends in my hometown. And, another door opens.
And wow, did that door open. Mitt and I moved into our beautiful new apartment on a Saturday. We got settled in with the help of my parents, my best friend Autumn, and her amazing mom and brother. Autumn was a life saver and made sure that I was all unpacked, settled and comfortable before she left. She knows me and my anxiety. I started that job on Monday. Life was good, I found a gym, started playing volleyball, but work wasn’t great and a week and a half after starting, I quit (I’ve never quit a job so quickly in my life). BECAUSE I GOT A JOB OFFER FOR A JOB THAT I CHOSE. And that was my open door.
All of these closed and open doors have brought a lot of chaos into my life and I’ve had to pivot, deal and adjust at the drop of a hat. The constant adapting and lack of processing what was happening in my life has brought me back to a mental space where I don’t like to be. Now that the dust is settling and I’m forced to process all of the changes that have happened since January, or really October 2022, I find myself starting on a new path of my mental health journey, an extension of the original journey if you will. The journey that is never ending because life happens and it ultimately goes on. We lose people, we endure major and minor life changes, we evolve, sometimes we relapse, but we always become stronger from it. I guess I’m saying all of this to say that even when you’re sad that one door closed and happy that another door opened, and all of the in between, it’s important to remember to prioritize what you need to get you through the changes. The ebbs and flows of life will cause you to let go of things that are distracting you and push you towards the things that will help catapult you into your next adventure. While it’s not always easy and you may not always be up for it, you have to be open to what the universe is trying to offer you. I end this in saying that I’ve gained a whole new appreciation for the saying “when one door closes, another door opens” and all of the changes, emotions, struggles and growth that comes with it. I’m glad it’s pushed me back to writing and I hope you will all join along, again, for this journey! And here’s to making the rest of 2023 a hell of a lot better than the start!
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